I have received a lot of emails lately from wives of medical students, and I'm sorry to say that I haven't had a chance to respond. I'm trying, slowly but surely! The general theme seems to be all of the emotions that go along with the roller coaster that is medical school. A roller coaster is the best way I can describe it- you are nervous and excited to get on, but aren't sure what to expect. As you ride along there are highs and lows, unexpected twists and turns, and while you know that the ride cannot last forever, sometimes the end is no-where in sight. Being a medical school wife is tough- you make a lot of sacrifices. Emotionally, financially, career, you name it. It can be very difficult to feel like you are often making sacrifices for a goal that is not your own. Most days I was happy to make the sacrifices- I loved Mike and knew how important this goal was for him, and therefore it was important to me. Most days I saw the end justifying the means, it was a shared vision of the kind of life we wanted for our family that we were both working for. But then there were days that I felt resentful, angry, and left behind. At the end of the four years after all of my hard work and sacrifice I was not the one with the degree, my opinion was not the one respected. What I came to realize was that this was a selfish, but very normal way of thinking. No one ever forced me to make any of the choices or sacrifices, I willingly made them because we were working as a team towards a goal that we both wanted. Sure, my work was not recognized by most, it was behind the scenes. I think that the days that I felt bad, all I really wanted was a little reassurance and an expression of appreciation. I also realized that having those negative feelings only brought about more negativity. I learned to try to stop them in their tracks (I'm not saying you should bottle up your emotions, or not ever have negative feelings about what's going on in your life- just don't give them the power to take over your life). Instead of focusing on the bad, I would try to find the good. When I started to have those days that I felt like I was the only one making sacrifices, I would think about all of the sacrifices Mike had made, and then things wouldn't feel so off balance. Medical school is only part of the journey of your life, and in the grand scheme of things it is a very small part of the journey. It is so easy to fall into the line of thinking about how difficult things can be, and trust me- all this will do is bring you further down. Things are going to be difficult some of the time, and it is hard to find yourself in a position where you are so out of control, but you have to look towards the future and remember that in the grand scheme of your life, this is a small amount of time (an intense time, but short!). When you are feeling frustrated with things, think it through, talk to your husband and move on. Many times you will find yourself in a situation that doesn't really have a solution- and that is what is so frustrating! Don't let it drag you down and don't try to drag your spouse down and punish them for "putting" you in this situation. Remind yourself that many of the challenges that you face being the wife of a medical student, are situations that most marriages face. Again, medical school is intense, but do-able. Just make sure that you are doing it as a team and before you know it, you will be sitting at graduation getting ready to get on another ride- the roller coaster of residency. By no means did I always feel good about medical school- there were times that I was frustrated, hurt, angry, resentful, you name it. But feeling that way only made me feel bad. There were times that my feelings were completely justified, and other times I was making a big deal out of nothing because it made me feel justified. So my advice is to learn to let things go- don't hold onto those negative feelings, feel them and let them go and move on. Life is too short, and too full of wonderful things to live any other way.
