The Doctors Wife

*Crickets Chirping*

So lately I just haven't had any blogging mojo. Life has just been so busy, and as much as I love the documentation that blogging provides, I have struggled with finding the time. Also some of the fun of blogging has been sucked out by meanie comments, emails, etc.  and I have just been feeling a little done. But, on my little unplanned break I have found that I am ready to try being more regular, the things that I have always loved about blogging, I still do. I am not even going to attempt to back date the past couple of months, so I am hoping to just jump right back in. And if you emailed me, thanks- things are fine, and no I'm not pregnant. ; ) (I think the last time I took such a huge break I was pregnant, sick as a dog in bed) I can't believe that summer is almost over- Target already has their school supplies out! I am hoping to squeeze in a lot of fun over the next few weeks, and hopefully will find some time to share some of it!

Medical Mondays- Answers to Questions

It is amazing to me how fast this summer has flown by! I had not intended on taking such a long bloggy break, but the past couple of weeks have been busy! I have had a birthday, Hannah started dance, I started Bible study, we have had play-dates, and I tagged over 200 items for a local consignment sale. Add to that Rover wrangling, housework  (and oh the wreck that is my house while I am busy with the consignment sale!) cuddling with the kiddos, and on and on and on! Our calendar has been full! So that, in a nutshell, is what I have been up to! I have to say that I have received some of the sweetest emails over the last week or so, and I appreciate your kind and encouraging words so much! I have also received a few questions, that I will attempt to answer. Lately, I have had a few questions about Mike, more directly why I don't blog about him, his specialty, practice, post pictures of him, etc. So here goes!

"I've noticed that your posts rarely involve stories about your husband, is this because he is not around? Can I expect my husband to be gone this much too?"

 I generally do not blog about Mike because that is his preference. While Mike is certainly gone a great deal for work, he is home with us most nights and weekends. He is a very hands on father and I feel incredibly blessed that he takes such an active role in raising our children. He makes a very conscious effort to work his work schedule (as much as is in his control) around our family. While he certainly works long hours, and is sometimes away for a 24 or 36 hour shift, he tries very hard to make the most of the time he has with me and the kids. As far as how much your husband will be gone, this will vary so much from medical school, to internship, to residency to practice as well as rotation to rotation. I will say that if your significant other does not make time for you/family during medical school it will likely not improve. But if they are a family man and make the most of their time, they will likely always make that effort. Sometimes their schedule may take them away longer than we (and most likely them) would like, but it is all about the time that you do have together.

"What kind of doctor is Mike? What is his specialty?"

I do not give any specifics about this for our privacy. Both personally for our family, and professionally for Mike. We agreed that this is the best choice for our family.

"How come there are no pictures of your husband on your blog?"

Again, this is Mike's preference for his professional privacy and I completely respect this. I take oodles of pictures and only post those that he is not in. (Or pictures he takes : )

Mike and I value our privacy, but I certainly enjoy being a part of the blog world. We are always trying to find the right balance of privacy for our family, and make the choices that are right for us. Anytime I write a post about Mike, either personally, or professionally I ask him to look it over. I respect his opinion and do not want to post anything that makes him uncomfortable or could put him in a difficult position professionally.  This works for us, and I hope that this answers some of your questions!

Medical Mondays- Timing Is Everything

One of the questions that I get asked the most is "when is the best time to get married/ have a baby"? The thing about this question is there is no one right answer, what was right for me, may not be right for you. Everyone's situation will be different and with both of these issues there are so many variables I simply cannot give a straight, across the board answer. That being said, here are my thoughts:

When Should I Get Married During The Medical Journey?

    •There are many factors that could influence your decision on when the time is right for you, how long you've known each other, location, your personal career/ school, and what point your significant other is in his medical training are just some of things that you may consider. Mike and I got married in undergrad- we had dated for four years and did not want his first year of medical school to be our first year of marriage. I also would not have moved to be with him without the commitment of marriage. This worked for us and was a decision we were both comfortable with. We have known couples who have married at every point of the journey- MSI- all the way through internship/ residency.

When is the best time to start a family?

    • Again there are many things to consider, that will be different for everyone. In our case Hannah was born in April of Mike's last year of medical school, and David was born in February of PGY2. Again, we have known couples who had children before starting medical school, and every year from MSI-residency. 

I think that for both situations it's not so much when is the right time, but when you are both ready. And while there may not be a clear "right" time, there could be a clear "wrong" time. One thing that I will also add, is it is my personal belief that you should not put your life on hold until medical school/ residency is over. If you constantly put your life on hold, and wait for the "perfect time", you will wait your life away. Both decisions are life changing and should be thoughtfully and prayerfully considered. Only you will  know when the time is right for you! Does anyone else have any thoughts on when the "right" time is?

Other posts I have written on this topic can be found here and here.

Medical Mondays- Make Some Friends

One thing that is true in life is that great friends share your joys and lessen your sorrows. No matter where you are at in your medical journey, friends are so important. While I think it is important to have a diverse group of friends, certainly part of that group should include wives who are in the same boat as you as far as your husbands career. Whether you are in medical school, residency, or your husband is a practicing physician, friends who understand and know the path that you are on are invaluable! Some of my very dearest friends are women I met while Mike was in medical school, and even now that everyone has moved on we still get together, and talk on a regular basis. (and we read each others blogs ; ) Of course it is very easy for me to say, "Hey, go make some friends" but in reality, making friends is not always easy. (especially since the medical field often requires moving) So here are my ideas for getting to know some of the other spouses who are "in your boat"! There are lots of ways you can get involved, on a large scale, see about volunteering at the hospital, or joining the auxiliary or a hospital committee, etc. If your spouse is in medical school, see if the have an auxiliary or support group for spouses. Our medical school had a fantastic auxiliary and like I mentioned earlier, it is where I met some of my very best friends. On a more personal level maybe have a get together with a few other docs (or students/ residents, etc.) and their families. You could offer to host at your home, or scout out a park, restaurant, etc. If that seems overwhelming, maybe start out with just one or two other docs and their significant others. Other things you could do would be to bring up breakfast for everyone (or lunch or dinner or cookies) and introduce yourself. (check with your hubby first!!) Just say something like "It's so nice to meet you and put a face with your name" or "I would love to meet your wife/family/ girlfriend, maybe we can get together for dinner sometime?" Maybe have some business cards (or personal cards/ mommy cards) to give out so the contact info exchange is easy. If there are several newcomers, I guarantee that the other wives probably want to connect too- taking that first step is the hardest part! (and most awkward!) So tell me ladies, what is your advice for making friends in the medical field?

A Little Get-Away

Last week Mike and I were able to get-away together for the FIRST time since we have had kids. Needless to say, I spent the last couple of weeks prepping for the trip, enjoying some one on one time with my hubby and now trying to get back into the swing of things. Can I say how much I LOVED getting to have some serious couple time? I had so much fun and it was so relaxing, but I sure did miss my little rovers, and after five days away, I was ready to come back home! 

We went to San Antonio and it was such a fun city! I haven't been since I was in high school, and it is such a pretty city, (which I didn't really remember, I remember shopping and the Alamo- ha!)  Mike and I had a great time and I can't wait to go back.  I am hoping that we will be able to get away for a long weekend this fall... any great places that we need to try?

Medical Mondays- Back From A Break!

So I am picking up Medical Mondays- and to start things off again, I am going to attempt to answer a question that I get a lot, especially lately! 

      "How do you deal with your husband seeing patients (especially those of the opposite sex) nude? As a married woman, does it bother you? Do you feel like it takes away from the bond you share? As a Christian, how do you feel about this? Am I crazy for feeling like this? I know that it is professional, but I cannot seem to get over this, how do you handle it?"

I get this question a lot, so for those of you who find yourself feeling this way, you are certainly not alone. First, I will say that this is something that for me personally, has not been an issue. That being said, I understand how it can feel like something that can take away some of the sanctity of a marriage relationship. I expect my body to be for my husband's eyes only, and vice versa, so where do patients fall into this?

As a patient, when my doctor is giving me a physical exam, I do not feel on any level that I am betraying my husband, or acting in any way inappropriately in my marriage. For me this makes the transition that when it is my husband who is giving the physical exam, he is not betraying me or our marriage by doing so. (And I feel I must point out that there is ALWAYS a third party in the room. It is for the protection of the patient, but in my opinion, more for the protection of the doctor). 

I truly believe that when a doctor is looking at a patients body, it is in a professional way, void of any sexuality. It is a part of their jobs, and is something that really does become, "no big deal". But I understand that it can feel like a big deal, as no one likes the thought of their husband looking at naked women all day, but that isn't how it is. They are seeing patients, and a physical exam is often a crucial step in treating the patient effectively. I feel that God called my husband into medicine, and he is using his God given gifts and talents to help others, and part of this calling is a physical exam. "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

I know that some of you get this on an intellectual level, but cannot get over it on an emotional one. It grieves your heart and has become a stumbling block in your marriage. An issue that creates tension, stress, discontent, and distance. 1 Peter 5:8 tells us, "Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." I think some of you are in the midst of the mouth of the devil, you are being devoured over this. I believe that this can become a battlefield in your mind, and Satan will mess with your head at every chance he gets, and I urge you to pray about it. Ask a friend to pray for you, and most importantly ask your husband to pray for you. Some of you have expressed that your husbands are irritated by your feelings about this, and it has become a source of conflict in your marriage. Tell your husband how you feel, not in an accusatory manner, but simply explain that you know this is a stumbling block, and you are praying about it, but need his support and prayer too.  "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven." (Matthew 18:19) And know, that I am praying for you too. 

If you feel like you have exhausted all of your options, I urge you to seek help from a trusted pastor, or a Christian counselor, as there may be issues that you are not even aware of that are at the actual root of the problem. Now it's your turn to share, how can we encourage someone who is dealing with this issue?

Medical Mondays- A Different Perspective

When I was growing up anytime an ambulance would pass by, we took the time while pulled over to say a prayer for the person in the ambulance. The thought was, that if you were the one in the ambulance wouldn't you appreciate everyone praying for you on your way to the hospital? Well, now as an adult, as I pull my car over I still say a prayer for the person riding in the ambulance, but I also say a prayer for the EMT's and the doctors who will be treating the patient once they arrive at the hospital. 

I pray for Mike professionally, and I pray for the other doctors, nurses and staff that he works with, and I also pray for his patients (even though I don't know their names or anything about them- it's just a blanket prayer for the patients in my husband's care, God knows) and their families. 

Doctors are under a tremendous amount of pressure. They make life or death decisions throughout their day, and at the very least they make life altering decisions. Therefore I think it is important that we cover our husbands in prayer, and I feel that this extends out to their co-workers and patients. It's funny how before Mike was a doctor it never occurred to me to pray for doctors, nurses, etc. and now it seems so obvious. So I encourage you to say a quick prayer the next time you are pulling over for an ambulance or other emergency vehicle.

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

Ephesians 6:18

 

Medical Mondays- Saying I Do

I get lots of emails from women who are engaged to or dating medical students/residents/attendings and want my advice on whether or not they should go ahead and take the plunge and walk down the aisle. They have usually been bombarded with negativity about being a medical spouse and feel overwhelmed with other people's (usually) negative opinions. 

 And sometimes I just don't know what to say. Some give very detailed descriptions of situations while others are very general. But regardless of how much information I have, I am in no way qualified to tell someone whether or not they should get married. And I have no way of knowing how things will turn out, and what their medical marriage will be like. 

But because I get a lot of emails (and I am sorry to say I take a sweet forever to answer them) I thought I would share a few of my general opinions about marriage, and more specifically, a medical marriage. 

And now I will take this opportunity to remind you that this is all MY opinion and if you do not agree with or like my opinion that is perfectly fine, but if you want to be rude, nasty, hateful or otherwise unpleasant, please save me the trouble from having to delete any disrespectful comments by simply not leaving them. I am not a marriage expert, nor do I claim to have a perfect marriage, the following is simply MY thoughts since I frequently get emails regarding my thoughts on this subject. I know that my beliefs on marriage are not shared by everyone and again, that is just fine. Please respect my beliefs and save the hating for something more deserving...like high fructose corn syrup)

First things first, I believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment that is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God. I do not believe that it should be entered into lightly and should be thoughtfully and prayerfully considered. And my word! There is a lot to pray about and consider when you are talking about joining your life with someone else's!  My best advice to anyone considering marriage is to pray, talk over things with your fiance, and seek Godly counsel. As hard as it sounds, it would be much better in the long run to talk things over and find out about any "deal breakers" before you walk down the aisle. (do you both want children? will you both work? how will money be handled? how is household labor to be shared? what are your religious beliefs and how will they affect how you raise your children? Trust me, there are LOTS of things to talk about!) When I say deal breakers, I'm not talking about being rigid and not compromising, but are there things that you cannot live with or without? Are there major differences in your beliefs that you cannot  compromise on? Better to know ahead of time so you know exactly what you are getting into (or out of).

Marriage will not magically fix the problems in your relationship. That's not how it works, marriage is not a band-aide that will heal challenges and problems you are facing. Issues that you face as a couple will always be there. 

In a good marriage, you will have to make sacrifices (and so will your spouse). Sometimes you will have to put your spouse and their needs ahead of your own. (and this is a two way street) A medical marriage will call for sacrifice, but this is not anything exclusive to being married to a doctor. ALL marriages will take sacrifice, some more than others, but it's part of the deal. Part of being in a marriage is having to  replace the selfishness we feel with selflessness. And everyone will struggle with this, it is not easy, but it is something that I feel is required in a marriage. And when you love some one the sacrifices you make (even the hard ones) are worth it. Remember that marriage splits your sorrows and doubles your joys!

Don't blame the career for the problems in your relationship/ marriage. Whether your husband/fiance is a doctor or a teacher, you will have problems at some time or another. And while it's easy to point the finger and say "If you weren't this, we wouldn't have that problem" Every marriage will encounter stress, problems, and trials regardless of what your profession is or your husbands. In my opinion marriage problems are rarely about the trials/ stresses faced but the reaction to the stress/ how you handle problems.

Okay... I think this post is long enough so that is all I have to say about that for today. I hope you all have a happy Monday!

Medical Mondays- How Do You FInd The Time?

One challenge in a medical marriage is finding time for each other. With work obligations, family obligations, social obligations, and keeping the household afloat, how do you find time to maintain your relationship? We try to have a date night each week, and I know that some of you are thinking that is impossible. There is no way you can find the time each week to fit in a date night, but maybe rethink what a date night is. Remember that it doesn't matter what you are doing, as long as you are together. Our date nights are usually spent watching a movie, or catching up on a favorite show, and once a month we try to go out to eat alone. Our date nights are typically nothing fancy (except for when we go out- sometimes we splurge!) but we enjoy our time together hanging out at home after the kids are in bed. We make an effort to make our relationship a priority, and even though the hours at work can get long and the calendar can be full, it is so worth it!

Medical Mondays- Beep, Beep, Beep

If you are a doctor's wife, you know exactly what I mean! Call, and all that comes with it, the pager...and the beeping. Mike's call has been pretty decent this year, so I really don't have any complaints. But there have been months (and I know that for some of you, there is never a break!) when his pager goes off a lot! (And can you beat being woken up in the middle of the night by your husband's pager going off, and your husband is out of state? Because the nurse failed to check the call schedule and see that your husband wasn't even on the schedule, much less on call for the entire month?) And even before your husband's pager ever goes off, there is the whole 20 minute rule. (most Dr's live within 20 minutes of the hospital, so they are able to take some call from home)

Call can be so tricky, it is a double edged sword- you don't necessarily want to count your husband completely out of your plans, but you also don't want to end up feeling disappointed when the pager goes off and your hubby has to head out. So how do you deal with call? During Mike's intern year, when call was much more unpredictable, we just took it month to month, some times we knew the likelihood of being paged was pretty slim, while other days it was simply a matter of time before he was paged. Now Mike's call is fairly predictable and generally we feel okay making plans (in town of course!) Mike was on call during Christmas last year, and after a mini rush on Christmas Eve, his pager was happily silent. We look at call as part of the job, and luckily for us, it hasn't been too intrusive on Mike's time at home. But for those of you who constantly hear the beep, how do you handle the unpredictability of call? And does anyone have a funny about the pager going off at an inopportune time?