The Doctors Wife

Medical Mondays- A Different Perspective

When I was growing up anytime an ambulance would pass by, we took the time while pulled over to say a prayer for the person in the ambulance. The thought was, that if you were the one in the ambulance wouldn't you appreciate everyone praying for you on your way to the hospital? Well, now as an adult, as I pull my car over I still say a prayer for the person riding in the ambulance, but I also say a prayer for the EMT's and the doctors who will be treating the patient once they arrive at the hospital. 

I pray for Mike professionally, and I pray for the other doctors, nurses and staff that he works with, and I also pray for his patients (even though I don't know their names or anything about them- it's just a blanket prayer for the patients in my husband's care, God knows) and their families. 

Doctors are under a tremendous amount of pressure. They make life or death decisions throughout their day, and at the very least they make life altering decisions. Therefore I think it is important that we cover our husbands in prayer, and I feel that this extends out to their co-workers and patients. It's funny how before Mike was a doctor it never occurred to me to pray for doctors, nurses, etc. and now it seems so obvious. So I encourage you to say a quick prayer the next time you are pulling over for an ambulance or other emergency vehicle.

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

Ephesians 6:18

 

Medical Mondays- Saying I Do

I get lots of emails from women who are engaged to or dating medical students/residents/attendings and want my advice on whether or not they should go ahead and take the plunge and walk down the aisle. They have usually been bombarded with negativity about being a medical spouse and feel overwhelmed with other people's (usually) negative opinions. 

 And sometimes I just don't know what to say. Some give very detailed descriptions of situations while others are very general. But regardless of how much information I have, I am in no way qualified to tell someone whether or not they should get married. And I have no way of knowing how things will turn out, and what their medical marriage will be like. 

But because I get a lot of emails (and I am sorry to say I take a sweet forever to answer them) I thought I would share a few of my general opinions about marriage, and more specifically, a medical marriage. 

And now I will take this opportunity to remind you that this is all MY opinion and if you do not agree with or like my opinion that is perfectly fine, but if you want to be rude, nasty, hateful or otherwise unpleasant, please save me the trouble from having to delete any disrespectful comments by simply not leaving them. I am not a marriage expert, nor do I claim to have a perfect marriage, the following is simply MY thoughts since I frequently get emails regarding my thoughts on this subject. I know that my beliefs on marriage are not shared by everyone and again, that is just fine. Please respect my beliefs and save the hating for something more deserving...like high fructose corn syrup)

First things first, I believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment that is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God. I do not believe that it should be entered into lightly and should be thoughtfully and prayerfully considered. And my word! There is a lot to pray about and consider when you are talking about joining your life with someone else's!  My best advice to anyone considering marriage is to pray, talk over things with your fiance, and seek Godly counsel. As hard as it sounds, it would be much better in the long run to talk things over and find out about any "deal breakers" before you walk down the aisle. (do you both want children? will you both work? how will money be handled? how is household labor to be shared? what are your religious beliefs and how will they affect how you raise your children? Trust me, there are LOTS of things to talk about!) When I say deal breakers, I'm not talking about being rigid and not compromising, but are there things that you cannot live with or without? Are there major differences in your beliefs that you cannot  compromise on? Better to know ahead of time so you know exactly what you are getting into (or out of).

Marriage will not magically fix the problems in your relationship. That's not how it works, marriage is not a band-aide that will heal challenges and problems you are facing. Issues that you face as a couple will always be there. 

In a good marriage, you will have to make sacrifices (and so will your spouse). Sometimes you will have to put your spouse and their needs ahead of your own. (and this is a two way street) A medical marriage will call for sacrifice, but this is not anything exclusive to being married to a doctor. ALL marriages will take sacrifice, some more than others, but it's part of the deal. Part of being in a marriage is having to  replace the selfishness we feel with selflessness. And everyone will struggle with this, it is not easy, but it is something that I feel is required in a marriage. And when you love some one the sacrifices you make (even the hard ones) are worth it. Remember that marriage splits your sorrows and doubles your joys!

Don't blame the career for the problems in your relationship/ marriage. Whether your husband/fiance is a doctor or a teacher, you will have problems at some time or another. And while it's easy to point the finger and say "If you weren't this, we wouldn't have that problem" Every marriage will encounter stress, problems, and trials regardless of what your profession is or your husbands. In my opinion marriage problems are rarely about the trials/ stresses faced but the reaction to the stress/ how you handle problems.

Okay... I think this post is long enough so that is all I have to say about that for today. I hope you all have a happy Monday!

Medical Mondays- How Do You FInd The Time?

One challenge in a medical marriage is finding time for each other. With work obligations, family obligations, social obligations, and keeping the household afloat, how do you find time to maintain your relationship? We try to have a date night each week, and I know that some of you are thinking that is impossible. There is no way you can find the time each week to fit in a date night, but maybe rethink what a date night is. Remember that it doesn't matter what you are doing, as long as you are together. Our date nights are usually spent watching a movie, or catching up on a favorite show, and once a month we try to go out to eat alone. Our date nights are typically nothing fancy (except for when we go out- sometimes we splurge!) but we enjoy our time together hanging out at home after the kids are in bed. We make an effort to make our relationship a priority, and even though the hours at work can get long and the calendar can be full, it is so worth it!

Medical Mondays- Beep, Beep, Beep

If you are a doctor's wife, you know exactly what I mean! Call, and all that comes with it, the pager...and the beeping. Mike's call has been pretty decent this year, so I really don't have any complaints. But there have been months (and I know that for some of you, there is never a break!) when his pager goes off a lot! (And can you beat being woken up in the middle of the night by your husband's pager going off, and your husband is out of state? Because the nurse failed to check the call schedule and see that your husband wasn't even on the schedule, much less on call for the entire month?) And even before your husband's pager ever goes off, there is the whole 20 minute rule. (most Dr's live within 20 minutes of the hospital, so they are able to take some call from home)

Call can be so tricky, it is a double edged sword- you don't necessarily want to count your husband completely out of your plans, but you also don't want to end up feeling disappointed when the pager goes off and your hubby has to head out. So how do you deal with call? During Mike's intern year, when call was much more unpredictable, we just took it month to month, some times we knew the likelihood of being paged was pretty slim, while other days it was simply a matter of time before he was paged. Now Mike's call is fairly predictable and generally we feel okay making plans (in town of course!) Mike was on call during Christmas last year, and after a mini rush on Christmas Eve, his pager was happily silent. We look at call as part of the job, and luckily for us, it hasn't been too intrusive on Mike's time at home. But for those of you who constantly hear the beep, how do you handle the unpredictability of call? And does anyone have a funny about the pager going off at an inopportune time? 

Medical Mondays- When The Doctor's Away

At some point during your medical journey, you are certain to find yourself with evenings to yourself. Call, night shifts, away rotations, conferences, training etc. will find their way into your schedule and you will find yourself alone. And being alone can be, well, lonely. So what's a girl to do to keep the loneliness at bay?

• Two words: Chick flick. Nights that Mike works are my evenings to watch movies/ tv shows that would make Mike roll his eyes. With Redbox, and the ever-growing selection at many libraries, even the tightest budgets can fit this in.

• Call up the girls and have a GNO. Have kids? Could you hire a sitter? If a sitter is not an option can friends come over after the kids are in bed for some dessert and catching up?

• If your spouse works the same night each week, could you use that evening to take a class or join a club? 

• Make the nights alone with your kids special- it's date night with Mommy, pick a favorite restaurant or make a special meal. 

• If the running bedtime by yourself stresses you out, have a "Pajama Party" Give the kids their baths, put on jammies, (while you have their full cooperation!) have pancakes (or cereal, could anything be easier than cereal?) for dinner, cuddle up and watch a favorite show or movie and put the kids to bed.

• Use your nights alone to pamper yourself- give yourself a pedicure or facial, deep condition your hair, etc.

• Use the time to catch up on something you love to do, but don't usually make time for. (sewing, scrap-booking, reading, exercising, etc)

• Go to bed early. (Ha! I always stay up much later when Mike is working, but I love this idea in theory!)

• Do nothing. Veg out and waste time on Facebook, catching up on blogs, etc. Sometimes you just need a break!

• Catch up on the house so when your hubby is home, you don't feel bogged down with things to do.

Those are just a few ideas to help make those nights alone go a little quicker! I want to know, what's your favorite way to spend a night alone?

Medical Mondays- Is There A Doctor In The House?

Hannah was sick last week. She started running a fever Wednesday night and I didn't think too much of it. Thursday morning, she was still running a fever, but wasn't really displaying any other symptoms so I wasn't too concerned. I knew she wasn't feeling well- she was whiny and just not acting like her usually active self and so I let her have a Blue's Clues marathon. But since her temp wasn't too high I decided to just continue with a little Tylenol and keep my eye on her. Thursday afternoon her temperature shot up to a little over 105 and I had a little shot of panic shoot through me. She was acting super pitiful and I called Mike, and the pediatrician, but forgot that our pediatrician closes early on Thursdays. Mike worked Thursday night, so he wasn't going to be home to take a look at our little patient. He called a buddy who is a pediatrician, and he agreed to stop by our house after he got off work, and I felt so much better. Hannah's fever went down to a much more manageable 102 and she seemed to be feeling a little better so I decided that we could forego our visit from our friend, and if she was still running a high temp on Friday I would take her in to the pediatrician. Well, her temp was back up on Friday and so we headed in to the pediatrician and long weekend later, Hannah is feeling better. 

I must admit, having a husband who is a doctor is very reassuring to me when our little family is dealing with an illness. And we are so blessed to have so many friends from medical school who are willing to help out in a pinch if we ever need it. So tell me, any good stories of the benefits of having a doctor in the house?

Medical Mondays- Expectations

Do you ever feel that because you're married to a doctor that people have a set of expectations about your life? That you should live in a certain kind of house, or drive a certain kind of car, or send your kids to a certain kind of school, etc? I sometimes feel myself cringing when people find out that Mike is a doctor, because I know that they then have an expectation of our lifestyle. "Oh your husband is a doctor..." And you know that they think you live in a huge house, drive a luxury car, send your kids to private school, shop whenever you want, wherever you want, and have a housekeeper to keep that giant house nice and tidy.  (hee hee, if they only knew...!)

So how do you deal with other's expectations? Generally I don't think to much about what other people think of me, and know that we do things how we do them for a reason and we try to make decisions based on what is best for our family, not on what people are going to think. 

Do you ever feel pressure to live up to others expectations?  Or maintain a "doctor" lifestyle? 

Medical Mondays- Am I The Only One?

Am I the only one?

Whose house is filled with every kind of pharmaceutical pen known to man?

Whose husband's pocket's are filled with little chicken scratch notes?

Whose book cases are filled with medical books?

Whose mail box is stuffed daily with various medical journals?

Am I the only one?

Medical Mondays- What You Should Know About Healthcare Reform

Health-care reform is something that has been weighing on my mind lately- I completely disagree with the proposed changes that the current administration is trying to pass. The changes mean that medicine in our country will be socialized and socialized medicine is not good for anyone. It is disheartening that politicians are not taking action to make the excellent care that our country currently enjoys more readily available to more Americans, but are lowering the bar and making medical care mediocre (at best) for everyone.  It doesn't matter if everyone has insurance if the insurance is terrible- government run health-care will lead to rationing, incredibly long waits for ANY kind of appointment or procedure and the end of patient care as we know it. This is not something that I can support and the sweeping measures of this plan are down right scary.

As the wife of a doctor it is disturbing that "the plan" includes measures to pay all doctors the same, regardless of their specialty. The YEARS of training and the MONEY that is put into the training should have its rewards, and this scares me. We took on our debt in  medical school with an expectation of a certain amount of compensation that makes that debt manageable and worthwhile, but a politician deciding my husband's salary is a road I would rather not travel down. Even more disturbing than money are the HUGE limitations that our husbands will face when caring for patients, instead of being able to treat a patient as they see fit (you know, a treatment plan that is in the best interest of the patient taking into account all aspects of the patients, health, situation, etc.) they will be on a hamster wheel of the bureaucratic process that will essentially be telling them how they can care for patients based on the bottom line. This is ludicrous!! But if action is not taken, this is how things will end up.

 It is easy to feel overwhelmed by the proposed changes and want to bury your head in the sand, but that is exactly the problem. Please write or call your representatives and tell them how you feel. Tell them that socialized medicine means mediocrity for all and is unacceptable. 

Senator Contact Information can be found HERE.

Congressional Contact Information can be found HERE.

Further reading which I HIGHLY Recommend!!!

Five Freedoms You Would Lose In Health-care Reform

Defend Your Health-care

Ohmommy from Classy Chaos- A Political Post

Medical Mondays- Advice For The MSI's

With a new school year about to start, I thought we could share advice for the upcoming MSI's. The beginning of medical school can feel very daunting- moving, financial changes, job changes, school changes, role changes, are just a few things that you may be dealing with as your spouse begins medical school. When Mike began school I can remember days that I felt very overwhelmed- we had just moved to a new city and I did not know a single person. I knew that we were in for some major changes, but had no idea what to expect. So I thought I would share a few things that were helpful to me, and a few things I wish someone had told me.

• Get connected in your community, especially if you moved. Make an effort to get to know your neighbors, find a church where you can build a support system, etc. Medical school is not a road you want to go down alone!

• Get to know other spouses. If the medical school has a spouses group, I highly encourage you to join in. If they don't, start your own little group, invite other spouses out for coffee- it can feel a little ackward putting yourself out on a limb, but it is so worth it. Some of my very best friends are friends I met through the spouses group, and it is invaluable to have friends who are in the same boat. No one will understand what you are going through like they do, and that is just so important.

• While having friends in the same boat is invaluable, so is having friendships outside of medical school. Make an effort to maintain/ build friendships. You don't want everything to always be about school.

• Get your hands on a copy of your spouse's test schedule. It will be helpful for you to know when the tests are- you can make plans to be busy when you know they are going to be studying. Also be prepared for a LOT of studying the first semester. Your spouse is in a totally new role as a student, and they aren't sure how much they need to study to do well, they will find a groove after the first round of tests and hopefully things will settle into a more "normal" (ha!) routine.

• Remember that medical school is a season. There will be hard times, and good times and it goes by so quickly.  Make the best of the worst and soak up the best.

• Take care of your marriage. While studying, getting good grades, etc. are all very important, they're not as important as keeping your relationship a priority. Make time for each other, and remember that in this case quality is better than quantity. If you only have a couple of hours to spend with your spouse, don't waste them feeling sorry for yourself for only having a few hours. Plan date nights- once a week, once a month, whatever works for you, but plan them. Take advantage of the little moments- the little moments are what life is made of.

• Roles can shift a lot during the medical journey, and if things get too out of sorts they can really take a toll on a marriage, so don't let things get so far gone. Talk openly, honestly, and often with your spouse. I'm not saying nag, whine, and moan- but if you never talk about how you feel about things, you may find yourself in a place and wonder how you got there. Respect your spouse, and expect the same respect in return.

• Find a hobby. You'll have time to fill while your spouse is studying/ working/ away on rotations and having a hobby that you enjoy is a great way to "pass the time". Even if you feel like you're too busy to have a hobby, you'll be glad to have something you enjoy when you find yourself with some free time.

• Enjoy the ride. Medical school is a chance to make new friends, experience new things, and it really will go by so quickly.

You can go here to read other suggestions from others who have been down this road. Or if you have advice to offer, please leave a comment.

Note- I want Medical Monday's to be a generally positive/ encouraging read, so if you are offering advice, please keep it positive. Overly negative comments will be removed. I understand that being married to a medical student/ doctor is not always a bed of roses, but focusing on the negative aspects is not my style and this is my blog. Let's encourage each other and not tear each other down.