Medical Mondays- Saying I Do

I get lots of emails from women who are engaged to or dating medical students/residents/attendings and want my advice on whether or not they should go ahead and take the plunge and walk down the aisle. They have usually been bombarded with negativity about being a medical spouse and feel overwhelmed with other people's (usually) negative opinions. 

 And sometimes I just don't know what to say. Some give very detailed descriptions of situations while others are very general. But regardless of how much information I have, I am in no way qualified to tell someone whether or not they should get married. And I have no way of knowing how things will turn out, and what their medical marriage will be like. 

But because I get a lot of emails (and I am sorry to say I take a sweet forever to answer them) I thought I would share a few of my general opinions about marriage, and more specifically, a medical marriage. 

And now I will take this opportunity to remind you that this is all MY opinion and if you do not agree with or like my opinion that is perfectly fine, but if you want to be rude, nasty, hateful or otherwise unpleasant, please save me the trouble from having to delete any disrespectful comments by simply not leaving them. I am not a marriage expert, nor do I claim to have a perfect marriage, the following is simply MY thoughts since I frequently get emails regarding my thoughts on this subject. I know that my beliefs on marriage are not shared by everyone and again, that is just fine. Please respect my beliefs and save the hating for something more deserving...like high fructose corn syrup)

First things first, I believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment that is a covenant between a man, a woman, and God. I do not believe that it should be entered into lightly and should be thoughtfully and prayerfully considered. And my word! There is a lot to pray about and consider when you are talking about joining your life with someone else's!  My best advice to anyone considering marriage is to pray, talk over things with your fiance, and seek Godly counsel. As hard as it sounds, it would be much better in the long run to talk things over and find out about any "deal breakers" before you walk down the aisle. (do you both want children? will you both work? how will money be handled? how is household labor to be shared? what are your religious beliefs and how will they affect how you raise your children? Trust me, there are LOTS of things to talk about!) When I say deal breakers, I'm not talking about being rigid and not compromising, but are there things that you cannot live with or without? Are there major differences in your beliefs that you cannot  compromise on? Better to know ahead of time so you know exactly what you are getting into (or out of).

Marriage will not magically fix the problems in your relationship. That's not how it works, marriage is not a band-aide that will heal challenges and problems you are facing. Issues that you face as a couple will always be there. 

In a good marriage, you will have to make sacrifices (and so will your spouse). Sometimes you will have to put your spouse and their needs ahead of your own. (and this is a two way street) A medical marriage will call for sacrifice, but this is not anything exclusive to being married to a doctor. ALL marriages will take sacrifice, some more than others, but it's part of the deal. Part of being in a marriage is having to  replace the selfishness we feel with selflessness. And everyone will struggle with this, it is not easy, but it is something that I feel is required in a marriage. And when you love some one the sacrifices you make (even the hard ones) are worth it. Remember that marriage splits your sorrows and doubles your joys!

Don't blame the career for the problems in your relationship/ marriage. Whether your husband/fiance is a doctor or a teacher, you will have problems at some time or another. And while it's easy to point the finger and say "If you weren't this, we wouldn't have that problem" Every marriage will encounter stress, problems, and trials regardless of what your profession is or your husbands. In my opinion marriage problems are rarely about the trials/ stresses faced but the reaction to the stress/ how you handle problems.

Okay... I think this post is long enough so that is all I have to say about that for today. I hope you all have a happy Monday!

Comments

[Katie]

Well Said Joy!! You always know just what to say.

[Ginny]

Great post Joy.

[Adriana]

Great post. I don't know anyone that would say marriage is easy no matter what either spouse does. Some days are harder than others. For us it has always been a matter of priorities. I know that no matter how much husband works his faith and his family still comes first. Sometimes I have to work a little harder to accomodate that but at the end of the day it is all worth it.

[Whitters]

thanks for this post. my boyfriend (hopefully fiance soon) is going to med school in may...good advice for any marriage :)

[Tara]

Joy, I think your advice is spot-on. I would add that anyone considering getting into a "medical marriage" needs to assess whether s/he has two very important qualities to make things work: flexibility and independence. While one might argue that these traits are important for any marriage, I think they are especially crucial when married to a medical spouse.

You have to be okay with never really having plans "in stone" and not get hung up on arriving somewhere on time. You also have to not be the kind of spouse who waits around for or completely dotes on your significant other. You have to have your own life and schedule that considers and meshes with, but does not revolve around, your spouse's unpredictable schedule. For example, I usually will not sit out a lady's night just because I know my husband will be at home. However, I'll miss one every once in a while if I haven't seen much of my husband during a particular week. It's really all a balancing act, isn't it? I guess that the bottom line is to not sit around and stew because your hubby isn't home or drop everything because his being home conflicts with your plans.

Just my two cents! My marriage is not perfect, but I think it's pretty good. My husband and I have often talked about the key to medical marriages, and we almost always wind up talking about the characteristics I mentioned. We have seen many medical divorces occur when those traits were absent...

[Lisa]

Well put. As for advice, I could venture none. It is still a work in progress for us after medical school, residency (back when there were NO hour restrictions, FUN!), staff, and now fellowship. We're still married and happy. My biggest disappointments have come when I have EXPECTED things to be so much better and they fall short. For example, I thought life as staff would be so easy. I kept that thought to survive Q3 call during residency with 80-100 hour workweeks and when staff life had 14 hour days I was crushed and lost for awhile. You have to be able to bounce.