I had dinner with some of my girlfriends on Tuesday. It was really fun to catch up and get out of the house without any little ones. When I got home, I didn't feel as refreshed as I usually do after being out with friends, it really bothered me and I got to thinking about why I was feeling that way. At dinner, I whined- a lot. I whiiiiiiined. And then I whiiiiined some more. I have been exhausted the past few weeks, and have generally felt overwhelmed with everything I have to do. And I have had a bad attitude about it. I understand that during this season of life, with two little ones, things are going to be, well exhausting sometimes. I tried to justify my crummy attitude and validate my bad mood- because hello! I have two little children who I do everything for, and a husband, and a house, and dogs, and so many responsibilities that my head feels like it's spinning, and on and on. But the simple truth is that no matter how justified I feel, sitting and wallowing in self pity (or whining to your friends) doesn't help. I was letting my bad attitude really get to me, and it was making everything so much worse. I started thinking about a passage in the book, Having A Mary Heart In A Martha World, by Joanna Weaver (which is a really great book and I highly recommend it) and I thought I would share it. (To save myself the time it would take to summarize it, I found a summary from Virtual Christian Magazine and am copying it below. You can read the entire article that the summary is from here)
"The story is told of a man who met God one day. God asked him to take a wagon with three stones to the top of the mountain. God gave the man specific instructions, sketching a map in the dust. The man cheerfully set off pulling the wagon behind him.As he was going through a small village, a friend stopped him and asked him what he was doing. He explained that he was taking the wagon of rocks to the top of the mountain. The friend became excited as he explained he was just thinking about how he was going to get his rock to the top of the mountain, and would the man be willing to take the rock in his wagon as well? Happily, the man with the wagon took the friend's rock and started on his way.
As he went along, more and more people asked him to take their rocks with him until the wagon grew fuller and fuller. The wagon felt huge and awkward as it lumbered and swayed over the ruts in the road. No longer was the man singing praises. Instead, resentment began to build inside. Frustrated, the man was beginning to have visions of giving up and letting the wagon roll backward.
About that time God came to his side and asked what the problem was. "You gave me a job that is too hard for me," the man sobbed. God walked over to the wagon. "What is this?" He held up a big piece of shale and tossed it on the ground. The man explained about his friend who asked him to bring it up the mountain. God continued to unload the wagon, removing both light and heavy items until only the three stones God had given him were left in the wagon.
"Let others shoulder their own belongings," God said gently. "I know you were trying to help, but when you are weighted down with all these cares, you cannot do what I have asked of you" (pages 51-52)""
I have been weighed down by too many rocks. Some are the rocks that are mine to carry, others I have happily allowed in, while others I hesitantly agreed to. But whatever the case, I have had too many rocks. I have really reflected during the last week about everything that I have to do, and my priorities. And I have done some praying, and I feel so much better. I'm still exhausted (courtesy of David!) but my attitude is in a much better place, and that makes all the difference.
I have been so stressed out, and that is not how I want to feel, and I do NOT want Hannah and David remembering that their Mama was always tired and stressed out. I can focus so much on everything that needs to be done, that I forget why I'm doing things. Hannah helped me fix dinner tonight. She has never helped me in the kitchen before, because my attitude has always been that her "helping" me would be to stay out of the kitchen, and out of my way. I have always thought that she could help out when she's older, but right now it would take too much time to let her help. My attitude and actions have not been a reflection of the kind of mother that I want to be. Hannah had so much fun helping, and she did a great job and I enjoyed it too. All the time I could have saved from fixing dinner myself is nothing compared to the memories I have of my precious little girl stirring the "honey sauce" (honey mustard) and after tasting it declaring, "Mmmmm...tasty!"
I have "unloaded my wagon of many rocks", and it feels so much lighter and I feel so much more capable of handling my load. I was at the point that the man in the story reached sobbing to God (and anyone else who would listen!) about how overwhelmed I have felt. And now I feel the sweet relief of having a load that is mine, and reflects my priorities. I know that there will be times that it will feel heavy and the path may me a little bumpy, but it's okay because I have a heavenly Father who loves me and knows me, (and my limits and faults and strengths...and exhaustion level!) and will never give me more than I can handle.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" 1 Corinthians 10:13
